Mon nom est Aragorn
by Elf of the Wand
Summary: Translation: My name is Aragorn When Aragorn and Arwen decide to go to Earth for their honeymoon, they travel through a wormhole to get there. Sadly, things go wrong, and Arwen ends up in Tokyo; Aragorn in France. Please RR! Promises to bring laughs.
1. Entry 1

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THESE UTTERLY WONDERFUL CHARACTERS BELONG TO ME!!!! THEY ALL BELONG TO THE WONDERFUL, HOLY ERU OF ALL THINGS, J.R.R. TOLKIEN!

The idea of the diary format was inspired by Cassandra Claire, the writer of The Very Secret Diaries. I applaud her work in writing this fanfic. Plus, Aragorn is no pervy hobbit fancier in this one.:D

I'm not going to repeat this disclaimer again because it takes too long to write.

Enjoy the show! Please read and review.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear diary,

very long day today. me and arwen finally agreed on a site for our honeymoon; the exotic land of earth. unfortunately, earth is nowhere near middle earth, so i asked her how we were going to get there. she was pretty vague, talking about some arrangements gandalf had made. something about a wormhole... am not sure if even gandalf can pull that one off.

am starting to wonder if this was a mistake...

maybe we should've booked a flight to the umbarian beaches while we still had the chance...

oh, dang it, maybe we should've kept the tickets for oliphant watching in harad...

i wonder what gandalf means by a wormhole...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,

After a long time arguing, I finally persuaded Aragorn to go to Earth. It's going to be so much more fun that suntanning in Umbar... not to mention the place is swarming with all kinds of riffraff... not the kind of place you want to spend your honeymoon. He had all these worries about it; how we were going to get there, where we were going to stay, and what we were going to do. I mean, really, a King is supposed to worry about his people, but Gandalf's taking care of Gondor while we're out. There's nothing to worry about!

Gandalf's arranging for a wormhole to be opened for our trip... I really don't know what he is talking about. I don't think I need to. As long as nothing goes wrong, our trip will be perfectly wonderful!

As for accomodations, we'll be staying at some Tolkien-enthusiast's house... the host goes by the name of Lucky Luckless. Whatever the case, we won't be staying in the house. We'll be traveling the world, sampling Swiss chocolates and Japanese sushi and that WONDERFUL stuff those Irish people call cream soda... oh, this trip will just be totally and utterly wonderful!


	2. Entry 2

I lied. I'm repeating my disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THESE SIMPLY WONDERFUL CHARACTERS BELONG TO ME (though I wish). THEY ALL BELONG TO THE ONE, THE ONLY...

JOHN RONALD REUEL TOLKIEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

The diary format was inspired by the Very Secret Diaries. ;D

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear diary,

started packing for trip. arwen really fraying nerves here as she says that wormhole could possibly suck up baggage. not willing to lose only decent clothing. only decent clothing still makes me look like a walking barrel. arwen just laughs. well, how would she know the feeling? she's a woman, not a barrel-chested man.

maybe, i could hide in the wine celler, and pretend to be a barrel to get out of this crazy wormhole idea.

or maybe not.

really wishing right not that i had kept those tickets for harad.

why do these horrible things keep happening to me? why does MY wife decide to go to some foreign universe to have our honeymoon? why should we not have it here?

my wife is very stubborn.

bad feelings about this trip... thinking about consulting legolas, the local zen master.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,

Oh, I am almost done with packing! I cannot wait until we get to Earth! This is going to be the best trip of a lifetime! Well, it may be my last trip...

Aragorn was being such a worrywart as usual... his nerves got the best of him, and he slinked off to go practice some therapeutic Tantric yoga with Legolas. I must admit, his classes are good. Why, the Silvan elf has even taught Gimli how to control his air intake! Considering that, I must say that he is a very good Zen master.

While me and Aragorn are away, I'm thinking about making some changes of staff. Despite his "fantastic" cooking skills, Peregrin cannot stay in charge of the kitchens any longer. Our mushroom harvest is already weak, and Peregrin is not helping. At least three TONS of mushrooms have "mysteriously disappeared". The fact that Peregrin smells like mushrooms all the time is not helping him, either.

Maybe Gandalf can stay as the Chief Counselor of Gondor...

A Note to myself: Pick up new kredit kard at the Gondor Depository Bank of Minas Tirith.

Another Note: Pay off all of Aragorn's debts to the United Dunedain for Numenor foundation... I cannot believe that the king of the Reunited Kingdoms actually gambled all of his money away with that group as a youth!

I must alert Gandalf about Aragorn's slight gambling problem... maybe he can help!


	3. Entries 3 and 4

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THESE UTTERLY WONDERFUL, FANTASTIC, THRILLING (errr... maybe not that) BRILLIANT CHARACTERS BELONG TO ME!!!!! THEY ALL BELONG TO...

drumroll please

(drumroll)

JOHN... RONALD... REUEL... TOLKIEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(fangirls go wild. One girl swoons because of excitement)

(thatz probably me)

The idea for this story's format belongs to Cassandra Claire, author of the Very Secret Diaries.

Read and enjoy, or as the French say:

Lisez et appréciez !

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear diary,

oh no. please spare me eru. dont tell me that arwen has decided to book tickets for a wormhole trip today...

eru isnt listening to me.

why? why does she do this to me?

ah well... i can always say that prince imrahil has decided to hold his annual wine-sampling party today... she wont resist.

on the other hand, she hates dol amroth's wine.

why does these kinds of things always happen to me?

oh no... arwen is calling for me. this can only mean one thing.

WE'RE LEAVING RIGHT NOW.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,

Well gosh, why is Aragorn taking such a long time to prepare himself? We're only going through the wormhole. It's not like anything wild, like oliphaunt riding in Harad, or wind surfing off the coasts of Umbar! Why can't he think of it this way: We'll be traveling to a foreign parallel universe! I mean, won't that be so fun! I bet he doesn't even know what a camel is.

But what if he's right? What if everything goes wrong?

That will never happen. Besides, Gandalf's in charge.

Then again, you don't know what can happen when Gandalf's in charge.

I mean, remember the Mines of Moria?

I do feel a bit sorry for the Balrog though...

Well, he was going to kill everyone in the fellowship (including my beloved Aragorn).

So, I guess I must put my trust in an old man who is close to developing Parkinson's disease.

I think I should go do some Tantric yoga...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear diary,

at wormhole. am going to throw up. turns out, a wormhole is a giant spinning fold in the space-time continuom. i dont even kno what that is.

i feel so stupid right about now.

should have paid attention in elrond's lessons... wasnt my fault that he drones.

okay, maybe it is.

gandalf is loading our bags into the wormhole. bye bye, crown of elendil.

did i just see...? i hope i was seeing some mirage when i saw our bags part ways.

they're supposed to enter in the same direction.

looks like gandalf noticed too. then WHY IS HE LETTING ARWEN GO IN?????

holy moses, arwen just went into the direction of my baggage.

i should follow my baggage and arwen. i'll buy arwen some bermuda shorts.

bermuda is that country where they dance to giant pipes, right?

uh oh, my turn... WHY IS GANDALF TURNING ME AWAY FROM MY BAGGAGE?????

bad feeling... BAD FEELING.

i...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY,

OH MY ERU I AM GOING TO KILL THAT GREY-TURNED-WHITE WIZARD WHEN I GET BACK.

I AM STUCK IN A LAND OF FOREIGN ELVES WITH ARAGORN'S LUGGAGE.

GANDALF HAS A LOT TO EXPLAIN.

Okay, I must read my pulse... Oh, he has SO MUCH to explain.

Calm down, remember, you're the Evenstar.

I BET YOU LUTHIEN NEVER GOT SENT TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WITHOUT BEREN.

Calm down, calm down, remember, Breath from your inner chakra...

Okay, my map says that I'm in...

Tokyo, Japan.

Let's hope Aragorn is here, too.


	4. Entries 5 and 6

DISCLAIMER: THIS WONDERFUL FANFIC HAS BEEN INSPIRED BY, AND THE CHARACTERS OWNED BY, THE MAGNIFICIENT, THE GRACIOUS, THE WONDERFUL AND SMART PROFESSOR OF OXFORD...

(drumroll)

J.R.R.TOLKIEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The diary format is inspired by the Very Secret Diaries.

* * *

dear diary,

am in what people call "an airport." am very confused. what did gandalf do to cause such great harm and distress to me?

wait a minute, I'M IN EARTH.

oh no, this is horrible.

i wont believe it. i cant believe it.

oh no.

well, on my atlas, it says im in...

paris, france.

oh, i know french, the language. very similar to elvish in a sense... much easier than elvish to read and write.

Mon nom est Aragorn.

* * *

DEAR DIARY,

GANDALF WILL NEVER BECOME THE CHIEF ADVISOR OF ANYTHING. THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL EVER ASK HIM TO PLAN ANYONE'S VACATION!

HOW DARE HE SEND ME WITH MY HUSBAND'S LUGGAGE? DOES HE KNOW WHAT ARAGORN WEARS???????

Calm down, breathe deeply, Aragorn will be here shortly.

Right?

THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE SOME PRANK, GANDALF THE IDIOT!

Breathe... breathe... breathe...

Oh no...

* * *

dear diary,

back in france. not so bad here. had some stuff at a magasine de bonbons. very good chocolates, the french have.

arwen must not be here with me, because the wormhole that deported me here has closed up. maybe france wont be so bad.

Ahhh, mouettes stupides!

wait a minute, there aren't supposed to be seagulls in paris.

where am i?

* * *

Dear Diary,

Very bad news has just struck me. My wormhole has closed up. I am utterly faced with traveling the Earth with my husband's unmentionables.

Oh, I should've just gone windsurfing in Harad with him. Anything besides being stuck in this crazy weird land where the language is nothing like I know.

I do hope that Aragorn is okay... oh, he better be okay, or else Gandalf is one DEAD Istar...

Oh, what happens if Aragorn was deployed into one of the giant bodies of water on Earth?

NEW REVISED STAFF LIST:

Aragorn and me-Royalty

Faramir and Eowyn-Lord/Lordess of Ithilien

Pippin-cook

Merry-head stable hand

Sam-head gardener

Gimli-chief of architecture and construction

Legolas-Zen master

Gandalf-homeless shelter guard

There, much better.


End file.
